For Novelty Purposes ONLY

Hello from behind the Friends-Only curtain! My name is Andreux, and you may have seen me around MindSay. In hopes of reviving the fantastic premise behind deletedromance, I wanted to do a guest blog & post an excellent list that I found on the Internet pertaining to the romance novel. Without further ado, I present to you:

THE TOP 15 BAD ROMANCE NOVEL OPENING LINES
Courtesy of www.mamohanraj.com

15. He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love.
-- Oh, I can already tell that this list is going to be good.

14. Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies.
-- lol, WERK IT, HONEY.

13. The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea.
-- Good heavens, how depressing!

12. Scarlet's hair was as red as my persistent canker sore.
-- How uhhh... flattering?

11. Nicole let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around James, and deftly cut some cheese.
-- Now I am truly at a loss for words.

10. Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love.
-- lol, awww, I had no idea that the geigh romance novel even existed.

9. Sam liked to hump.
-- Well, gee. Now I know what you are all thinking, and all I have to say is that there is nothing wrong with humping!

8. Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist.
-- This sounds like a must-read.

7. It was a dark and horny night...
-- Now, okay, I may not be a connoisseur of the romance novel, but I could be wrong in guessing that this is how most romance novels start.

6. Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. "Call 911, Scooby," she breathed.
-- Oh gawd, oh gawd! This one is just too good for words! My heaving, caramel bosom is just gasping from laughter right now! That is no lie! Where the hell is this novel?!

5. His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion.
-- LOL, GROSS!

4."Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?" Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat.
-- "Mr. Chandler, is there room for both of us in that colossal thing you call a top hat to fit your equally colossal head?"

3. Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in sexual congress were heard.
-- Ah, how fitting for the election season. Something tells me the publishing company encouraged the author to write a whole novel off of this setup just so they could use the line "sexual congress".

2. He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact -- and lots of it.
-- Hey, you leave me out of this list, mamohanraj.com!

AND THE #1 BAD ROMANCE NOVEL OPENING LINE IS...

1. Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew.
-- "Man-dew"! Oh this stuff is just gold. I could not make it up even if I tried!

And there you have it: the 15 Best Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines. It was a pleasure being your guest host this evening, and in true romantic hero fashion, my loves, I bid you all adieu with a smooch & gallop away in the sunset sans raging stallion flatulence.